The Worst Advice I Got After A Breakup


“Rebound, girl! Have fun! You’re heartbroken, this is college, this is your time to do what you want!”

I was shocked when this was a girl’s advice to me as I confided in her about how I was trying to deal with some of my guy friends’ subtle flirting with me and my heartbroken state from my boyfriend breaking off our beautiful relationship. It wasn’t uncommon advice, but I still wasn’t expecting it

There was something attractive, I admit in indulging in the superficial comfort that the guys were willing to give here. Of course I wanted all those affectionate gestures that I just lost from my ex, who was my best friend. Who doesn’t want someone to cuddle up with and watch movies together on Friday nights, who whispers inside jokes in your ear, hugs you from behind, and flirts with you back and forth as a pastime? It’s fun!

But if I was to allow myself to rebound on some other guy simply because I was suffering, what would be the consequences?

I would be acting dishonestly. 

As I talked about in a previous post, my actions would not line up with what their intended meanings. Affection is a sign of love, the kind that gives and grows two people closer together so that they become stronger both together and apart. All I would be doing is taking. I’m not in a position to give of myself in that way, because like it or not, want it or not, I had not recovered from my heartbreak and was not only still wanting to give my heart to my ex, but trying to heal it so that one day at the right time I would be able to give to someone else without falling apart. Even if I told myself I was giving, I know I would have been using this person to fill an emotional void. When you use someone, your actions are a lie.

It would be an insult to the object of my rebound.

Not only is using someone a lie, but also downright rude. People deserve much more than that. Everyone is a beautiful soul that deserves to be respected and treated as such. Rebounding would be taking of that person’s body, and filling my desires as much as I could to feel happy and better.

People are not gumballs in the gumball machine of life. Even if you put that quarter in, (instead of kicking the machine to try and get that candy out for free), you’re gonna chew on that gumball, sucking all the flavor out, then spit it out when it does nothing for you anymore (and probably want a new one). What if a best friend of yours entrusted you with a diamond, rare and large and widely desired? I guarantee I would probably freak out more in a whirl of excitement than I would with a gumball– which is saying something– and treasure it, care for it, and keep it safe.

You are more valuable than diamond. And so is every other soul on this earth. It is an insult to treat a diamond like a 25 cents gumball.

Not to mention I would be messing with someone’s future SO.

It would be an insult to my past relationship.

If a relationship was a bad one, then don’t throw yourself into most likely another bad one. Every time you invest your heart, invest is on solid ground. Uneven ground will always turn sour. You still poured time and effort and devotion and your heart into this past relationship. You gave it worth. Your ex is suffering too. Even if your ex is rebounding, you can be stronger. Please, hold onto your strength, and know that “there are far, far better things ahead than anything we leave behind.” (C.S. Lewis) Preserve the memory of your past relationship, and move forward stronger.

If your relationship was a good one, as mine happened to have been, then remember how valuable it was at the time. The same advice applies; respect the love you both shared and know you chose that relationship for a reason. Please don’t enter a relationship, or even partake in affection that gives the same promises that  belong in a relationship, that takes away from how special that affection is. Treating something like intimacy thoughtlessly, giving it to people casually, steals the value from the times it was had in the past (and will be had in the future).

It would be an insult to myself.

Am I worth having my love reduced to a pleasure pastime? Can just anyone have my love, my body? Do they deserve that? Do I deserve that?

Everyone deserves better love than that.

“We accept the love we think we deserve,” is one of the most moving and saddening quote I remember from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. You need to know that you deserve a better love than a rushed rebound. Even with a genuine other person, the better your heart has healed, the better you can love; the better you can love, the stronger and deeper the relationship.

I would be setting myself up for more heartbreak.

Rebounds aren’t going to last. Going into one, people usually know that, and if they don’t happen to see that, then they’re fooling themselves. They’re not taking heartbreak for what it is; everyone should take it seriously. Your heart is broken, it is a hundred pieces of bleeding memories that are cold and longing to be full again as they were, only to know it will never be the same again. Your job is to stitch every single one of those pieces back together. No seamstress can do that overnight. You are wounded. No wounded soldier can fight a battle and gain victory like that.

Imagine a knight whose side has been impaled by an enemy lance, the bladed end piercing through his armor, tearing his flesh, and breaking two ribs, (probably bruising a handful more). As soon as he is struck, he collapses, crumpled by the intensity of pain. Finally he struggles to his feet, calls to his fellow knight, and is helped back to safety. He’s laid on a make-shift cot in a tent and his wound is bandaged to at least stop it from bleeding. He rests for a few hours, then decides that despite the pain, he is good enough to go back out into battle.

This knight grabs his weapon and limps back to the battle field. His chances of getting hurt even further increase dramatically. He is not healthy enough to be fully equipped for success.

I would basically be trying to quench my thirst with soda.

Have you ever been really thirsty, grabbed a soda, and yet remained thirsty after drinking it? By rebounding, you’re trying to relieve the heartbreak, yet as soon as it’s over or that person’s not with you, the pain and longing will return. The problem isn’t being solved by a rebound; it’s just a distraction.

I could potentially be damaging my reputation.

This may depend on what you do, who your friends are, and their values, but being someone who goes from relationship to relationship, or who goes through a bunch of guys/girls isn’t the kind of image I want.

What breakup advice have you recieved before? What are your thoughts of rebounding?

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